A letter I wrote to someone and somewhat a note to myself
I went through the same thing (feeling depressed and lonely), and there were a few things that helped me a lot: I talked to friends about it. Really, just my two closest friends. The important part of this is that you don’t victimize yourself. Don’t rehash the past to mope over it, but to get over it. Acknowledge that shit in the past hurt you and fucked you over. Then realize that it’s in the past, and that you should probably do your best to move on. Talking it over with friends helps in that it gives it a sort of validation of “I was heard” that talking things through on your own doesn’t quite do.
However, you should still talk things through with yourself. Analyze what is making you unhappy, what you dislike about yourself and things in general, and then think of ways to change things for the better. You can’t just think, “I should be fun and not tactless.” You have to ask, “Why aren’t I having fun and why am I so tactless?” Basically, find the roots of your problems. Don’t just try to treat the symptoms.
It took me years and years of self-analyzation to realize that I didn’t have to meet other people’s expectations, and that my own expectations for myself were crazy impossible. Also, that I didn’t have to react in turn to my mother’s craziness. My not getting an 100 on a test didn’t mean I had to go kill myself. Friends not inviting me to go one of their parties didn’t mean I should avoid all human contact from then on. My mom screaming my face off for some idiotic reason didn’t mean I had to plan my runaway. Just because shit was crazy didn’t mean I had to act crazy in turn.
Basically, I realized that I was a drama queen and that I needed to get over myself. Also, that trying to accomplish other people’s expectations of me were just leaving me feeling empty and numb (even if I did accomplish them), and what made me happier was meeting the baby steps I set for myself.
And I’ve been there with the whole, “I’m a hateful, unfun, tactless person.” bit, too. Thing is, you don’t have to be nice. You don’t have to force yourself to be fun or anything. What you should do is go do things that you genuinely think are fun. Get yourself USED to having fun, and you’ll start having fun in other situations more easily. It’s like how some people are so unused to happiness that they can’t comprehend it, and they feel it’s some sort of trick and they’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. Basically, do things that make you happy, and you’ll be happier around others naturally.
Lastly, life is lived at your own pace. It doesn’t matter what others are doing, what they’ve done. Their lives aren’t yours, and yours isn’t theirs. Give yourself permission to take your time. I didn’t learn to drive till my 20s. Why? Because driving flat out terrified me. It’s still hella scary at times. I don’t see a problem with this. If others laugh because it took me so long, well, what’s it to them? Nothing. What I do with my life is my business.
You’re not wasting your life. Everything that you do actually counts. If you choose to be on the internet all day, or read books for hours, or play video games, etc. it’s part of your life. That’s not wasting it. It does count, don’t think it doesn’t. If it makes you happy, if it entertains you, well, it might not cure cancer, but it would have been a pleasant life, and that’s honestly all that matters. Life is the pursuit of happiness, not accomplishments.